[This fucking guy. Instead of outright telling John a piece of information, anything that might be useful, he teases and at the very end asks another question. Kirei was almost there, so close to a revelation about himself. But perhaps that was the whole point.]
I'm a fake about a lot of things. Don't go thinking too highly of me.
[John gives Kirei the most obvious of fake smiles. He's Done, he's so Done.]
Are you something other than human? Maybe your life's history is depressing to you, but why don't you try me?
[John finishes his last cigarette, flicking the butt defiantly toward the shoes of the priest.]
[ His tone of voice sounds completely indifferent to the question. Like the question was more commenting on what color paint a wall is versus if he was or was not human. However, his gaze does drop as soon as the cigarette does. Yet his expression doesn't sour at having the ash hit the floor and his shoe. He merely lifts the sole of his shoe up before stamping down, twists side-to-side. No more than squashing a bug. ]
My life isn't depressing me, but I can understand why you would think so. I can understand why many would think so after what happened. [ He draws his eyes back up to meet John's. The pressure between them changes. It lacks hostility, but the air suddenly feels thick and heavy. ] It's an old story. I don't feel happiness anymore. What people call joy -- I can't experience. I'm certain at one point and time I could, but that is no longer possible for me.
[ Calmly spoken, he doesn't seem to have the air of regret or heartache. ] My father was a pious man. He used to be the priest that ran this church, actually. His pious and virtuous nature was renown and so when I was born... it was a joyous occasion and my soul would have been considered blessed by virtue of who he was. [ His eyes close as he shrugs his shoulders in a lazy manner. ]
A demon came to possess me. I'm afraid I couldn't tell you the reason. I always assumed it was just what demons did to the faithful's children. But who could say? [ He opens his eyes. ] The clergy came to analyze my ... situation. But not just them... mages came, too. My father sought everyone he could to save me, so why wouldn't they come? [ A click of the tongue. ]
I can't tell you what happened. If it was some power struggle. If one cocky mage decided he could handle the possession on his own. If one clergy member decided to prove to the magic world that exorcisms should be done by the faithful. There is no way to know. No one took responsibility for what happened. [ He chuckles. ] My soul ended up torn to pieces -- so I was told. It is unpleasant to look at, I can promise you that much, John Constantine.
[ He lifts his hand to gesture toward the shadows. ] It is why the little nothings come scurrying into this place. They can smell the rot of the ruined soul, and are curious. I've learned to ignore them, however, because I believe one day there will be judgement for my soul. After everything that has been done, it cannot simply be extinguished like it is nothing. That is my belief, and my life's history.
Eccentric as it is... I find it has a boring ending, don't you?
[If one cocky mage decided he could handle the possession on his own... No one took responsibility for what happened. My soul ended up torn to pieces.
The words catch in John's throat as if he was the one who had uttered them. They hit too close to home and it's too similar to his own failures. His face easily gives away his thoughts, slipping from cocky and defiant to unsure and almost frightened. A deep seated trauma has been unearthed, one in which he witnessed the brutal murder and subsequent dragging to hell of an innocent girl due to his own arrogance. For consulting no one.
And yet he still continues alone. The case is no longer one mystery to solve. That was almost obvious from the beginning, yet it required evidence that the police hadn't been able to collect. No, what was important was changing what could be. The law couldn't help with that.
John doesn't answer the question. Instead he takes a step back and looks to Kirei, determination returning to his face.]
[ There is no mockery in his words. It is what he has been seeking for a long time, but if it had been five years earlier, perhaps, even a year earlier -- it would have meant something. Now, it means nothing. His smile is a sharp, vicious one. It is not one filled with spite, however, but one born of pure joy. ]
Unfortunately, I don't believe I deserve it anymore. [ His head cocks to the side. ] I had thought to lead you around by the nose, but I don't think that's fair anymore. [ He feels his shoulders shake as he chuckles. In the face of a pure and just declaration, he can only laugh. ]
After all, I'm the one who has been cursing the people who have been coming here for this past year. The strength of the curses are small, but if you pile them on one after the other... they become something more. [ Kirei stares at him, eyes suddenly filled with dark amusement.
A beat. ] I told you, didn't I? There would be judgement for my soul. If I will not be judged for Heaven, I will be judged to Hell and find the demon that did this to me through my eternal tortured state. I can only hope my mind remains somewhat intact with my soul to remember what I'm seeking.
And you would restore the soul of a person who did something like that?
If you think that I didn't know that you were the one responsible then you must not hear yourself speak. There's no leading through the nose about it. Your breadcrumbs are more like entire loafs from the bakery.
[At this moment John desperately wishes he had his cigarette, but lighting another one now seems like a waste. Instead his foot finds the butt on the ground, grinding it into the floor.]
A person, which I even hesitate to call you, can't be judged without a soul. You're hollow, nothing more than a paper cup. There's no fit judgement here on earth and we both know that law enforcement is a joke.
[He looks up, tilting his head with a grind of the teeth.]
But I can assure you that I would be happy to help you find the torment you so desperately seek.
Not like just that, mage. I was hoping that I could anger you enough to kill me.
[ His shoulders lift and lower. He lifts his chin up to admire the church and have him fully understand the level of blasphemy he was attempting. Not only defiling the holy space with curses upon curses but having his own rotten blood splattered everywhere in a battle with a mage.
But his head twists back to look at him, finally showing annoyance. ]
You have no idea what it is like to live like this every day. I thought that I would have been given salvation if I did everything I could. I suffered and strove for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, but there was nothing. If I did evi, if I did good, there would be nothing. [ His bitterness revealed. ]
And why is that forced to be my truth? Because of a mage? Because of a priest? Were they punished for what they did? No. They were allowed to keep their souls and seek out repetenance! [ He steps forward, filled with anger. ] What I desperately seek is an understanding of the truth that has been laid out before us. What truth have you come to understand of this world, John Constantine?
I'm curious now... go ahead and return my soul to me... but tell me what truth you've come to find in it.
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no subject
I'm a fake about a lot of things. Don't go thinking too highly of me.
[John gives Kirei the most obvious of fake smiles. He's Done, he's so Done.]
Are you something other than human? Maybe your life's history is depressing to you, but why don't you try me?
[John finishes his last cigarette, flicking the butt defiantly toward the shoes of the priest.]
I promise you I won't give a shit.
no subject
[ His tone of voice sounds completely indifferent to the question. Like the question was more commenting on what color paint a wall is versus if he was or was not human. However, his gaze does drop as soon as the cigarette does. Yet his expression doesn't sour at having the ash hit the floor and his shoe. He merely lifts the sole of his shoe up before stamping down, twists side-to-side. No more than squashing a bug. ]
My life isn't depressing me, but I can understand why you would think so. I can understand why many would think so after what happened. [ He draws his eyes back up to meet John's. The pressure between them changes. It lacks hostility, but the air suddenly feels thick and heavy. ] It's an old story. I don't feel happiness anymore. What people call joy -- I can't experience. I'm certain at one point and time I could, but that is no longer possible for me.
[ Calmly spoken, he doesn't seem to have the air of regret or heartache. ] My father was a pious man. He used to be the priest that ran this church, actually. His pious and virtuous nature was renown and so when I was born... it was a joyous occasion and my soul would have been considered blessed by virtue of who he was. [ His eyes close as he shrugs his shoulders in a lazy manner. ]
A demon came to possess me. I'm afraid I couldn't tell you the reason. I always assumed it was just what demons did to the faithful's children. But who could say? [ He opens his eyes. ] The clergy came to analyze my ... situation. But not just them... mages came, too. My father sought everyone he could to save me, so why wouldn't they come? [ A click of the tongue. ]
I can't tell you what happened. If it was some power struggle. If one cocky mage decided he could handle the possession on his own. If one clergy member decided to prove to the magic world that exorcisms should be done by the faithful. There is no way to know. No one took responsibility for what happened. [ He chuckles. ] My soul ended up torn to pieces -- so I was told. It is unpleasant to look at, I can promise you that much, John Constantine.
[ He lifts his hand to gesture toward the shadows. ] It is why the little nothings come scurrying into this place. They can smell the rot of the ruined soul, and are curious. I've learned to ignore them, however, because I believe one day there will be judgement for my soul. After everything that has been done, it cannot simply be extinguished like it is nothing. That is my belief, and my life's history.
Eccentric as it is... I find it has a boring ending, don't you?
no subject
The words catch in John's throat as if he was the one who had uttered them. They hit too close to home and it's too similar to his own failures. His face easily gives away his thoughts, slipping from cocky and defiant to unsure and almost frightened. A deep seated trauma has been unearthed, one in which he witnessed the brutal murder and subsequent dragging to hell of an innocent girl due to his own arrogance. For consulting no one.
And yet he still continues alone. The case is no longer one mystery to solve. That was almost obvious from the beginning, yet it required evidence that the police hadn't been able to collect. No, what was important was changing what could be. The law couldn't help with that.
John doesn't answer the question. Instead he takes a step back and looks to Kirei, determination returning to his face.]
I can restore your soul.
[It's less offering and more declaration.]
no subject
[ There is no mockery in his words. It is what he has been seeking for a long time, but if it had been five years earlier, perhaps, even a year earlier -- it would have meant something. Now, it means nothing. His smile is a sharp, vicious one. It is not one filled with spite, however, but one born of pure joy. ]
Unfortunately, I don't believe I deserve it anymore. [ His head cocks to the side. ] I had thought to lead you around by the nose, but I don't think that's fair anymore. [ He feels his shoulders shake as he chuckles. In the face of a pure and just declaration, he can only laugh. ]
After all, I'm the one who has been cursing the people who have been coming here for this past year. The strength of the curses are small, but if you pile them on one after the other... they become something more. [ Kirei stares at him, eyes suddenly filled with dark amusement.
A beat. ] I told you, didn't I? There would be judgement for my soul. If I will not be judged for Heaven, I will be judged to Hell and find the demon that did this to me through my eternal tortured state. I can only hope my mind remains somewhat intact with my soul to remember what I'm seeking.
And you would restore the soul of a person who did something like that?
no subject
[At this moment John desperately wishes he had his cigarette, but lighting another one now seems like a waste. Instead his foot finds the butt on the ground, grinding it into the floor.]
A person, which I even hesitate to call you, can't be judged without a soul. You're hollow, nothing more than a paper cup. There's no fit judgement here on earth and we both know that law enforcement is a joke.
[He looks up, tilting his head with a grind of the teeth.]
But I can assure you that I would be happy to help you find the torment you so desperately seek.
no subject
[ His shoulders lift and lower. He lifts his chin up to admire the church and have him fully understand the level of blasphemy he was attempting. Not only defiling the holy space with curses upon curses but having his own rotten blood splattered everywhere in a battle with a mage.
But his head twists back to look at him, finally showing annoyance. ]
You have no idea what it is like to live like this every day. I thought that I would have been given salvation if I did everything I could. I suffered and strove for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, but there was nothing. If I did evi, if I did good, there would be nothing. [ His bitterness revealed. ]
And why is that forced to be my truth? Because of a mage? Because of a priest? Were they punished for what they did? No. They were allowed to keep their souls and seek out repetenance! [ He steps forward, filled with anger. ] What I desperately seek is an understanding of the truth that has been laid out before us. What truth have you come to understand of this world, John Constantine?
I'm curious now... go ahead and return my soul to me... but tell me what truth you've come to find in it.